Deciding to Adopt after Infertility

"It's just not the same," answered Loise when I asked her how she felt about her husband John's recent suggestion the couple reconsider exploring the option of adoption. Having received the news on her 37th birthday the third IVF procedure had not resulted in a viable pregnancy, the couple now had a need to look at all of their options.

"No, it isn't the same", I agreed, "but do you want to be a loving mother and John a loving father, or for you to prove your body can produce a baby?"

Lois is not unlike many women and men who initially consider adoption as the last resort, the option to think about and consider when medical options have been exhausted and all hope is lost. Having tried to get pregnant without intervention for multiple months prior to enduring numerous exams, tests, and countless procedures the infertile couple often loses sight of their original desire and dream, which was to parent a child and be a family. The option of adoption is always there they remind themselves and each other, never fully believing or considering they may one day seriously embrace it as their only or best viable option to become parents.

Couples often struggle with at what point to draw the line and move forward with adoption. Dealing with infertility consumed a tremendous amount of personal energy and strength and to seriously consider adoption can mean facing the extremely uncomfortable feelings of loss and failure. Moving forward with adoption means moving into un-chartered territory with countless new questions and issues to face with less energy than when the original journey towards parenthood began.

For many couples, deciding to adopt after fertility comes only after grieving the loss of the idea of having a biological child of their own. Initially the couple, individually or less likely at the same time, may experience feelings of denial. They may switch doctors or clinics numerous times or attempt exotic or extreme medical regimens. Fortunes may be spent in pursuit of pregnancy and years invested. Feelings of anger and betrayal are also not uncommon. The couple may openly or unconsciously blame one another if a cause of the infertility is known. On a personal level there may be a sense of being betrayed by one's own body. A sense of tremendous anger and rage at feeling inadequate is experienced when one cannot perform one of the most basic of human functions, to procreate. Some partners may realistically or not, fear they or their partner will leave them for an opportunity to have a biological child. The couple as a unit is in an extremely precarious and tenuous position.

At the point of realizing the loss of the dream of the way things were supposed to be and were planned for, depression may develop. Profound feelings of despair and loss may overwhelm one or both partners. Through grieving and providing support for one another throughout the ordeal of infertility, it is possible for the couple to emerge stronger and more committed. At the point of acceptance of their loss, their situation and reality, the couple is finally able to appropriately consider the option of adoption.

The consideration of adoption after infertility is initially best handled as an issue for the couple or with the support of a Marriage and Family Therapist. Having come to a mutual decision to proceed with adoption, the couple is better prepared for the reactions of friends and family. Many friends and family will warmly embrace the decision and want to be kept informed of each step along the way. Others may be uncomfortable and not able to adequately express their own feelings of fear, grief and loss. Some well-meaning individuals, knowing or not knowing of the couples' struggle with infertility, may suggest the couple just needs to "relax" or "stop trying" or tease them now they are going to adopt they are certain to get pregnant. With the decision to adopt already made, the couple will be more able to help friends and family deal with feelings without being unduly swayed or influenced for what is best for them as a couple.

Although the after effects of infertility may never fade completely and the process of deciding to adopt may be a lengthy and personal one, for many families adoption brings an experience of healing as well as love and joy.

Martha Osborne is an adoption advocate, adoptive mom and adoptee. She is also the editor of the online adoption publication, RainbowKids.com , the leading online resource for adoption and waiting children. http://www.rainbowkids.com